Reinforcing Competition in Children: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Image by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash
Competition is a natural part of life. Whether it’s who runs the fastest at recess, wins the spelling bee, or scores highest on a test, children are regularly exposed to competitive environments. For many families, competition is seen as a motivator – a way to build resilience, teach life lessons, and encourage children to strive for excellence. But when does competition help kids thrive, and when does it do more harm than good?
Understanding the role of competition in a child’s development can help parents and educators strike the right balance. It’s not about removing competition entirely, but rather fostering it in ways that support healthy self-esteem, emotional wellbeing and growth – rather than comparison and pressure.
The Good: Healthy Competition Builds Motivation and Skills
There are definite benefits to competition – when it’s framed constructively. Healthy competition can:
Motivate kids to improve: Knowing there’s a challenge can give children the push they need to focus, practise, and build mastery in a skill.
Build resilience: Learning to lose gracefully and bounce back is a powerful life skill. Children who experience both wins and losses develop persistence and emotional regulation.
Encourage teamwork and cooperation: Team-based competitions can teach collaboration, communication, and group problem-solving when the focus is on working together.
Promote goal-setting: Children learn how to set targets, work towards them, and track their progress – an essential part of learning and development.
When competition is fun, inclusive, and focused on effort and personal growth, it can inspire kids to challenge themselves and celebrate what they’re capable of achieving.
The Bad: When Competition Becomes Pressure
Problems arise when competition is over-emphasised, constant, or linked too closely to a child’s self-worth. In these cases, competition can:
Create anxiety and fear of failure: Some children may become overly focused on winning and terrified of making mistakes. This can lead to avoidance, burnout, or perfectionism.
Undermine intrinsic motivation: If rewards, trophies, or external praise become the primary motivators, children may lose interest in the activity itself. The love of learning, playing, or creating can be replaced with a fear of not measuring up.
Exacerbate low self-esteem: Children who consistently feel like they’re “not good enough” compared to peers may withdraw, stop trying, or develop negative self-talk.
Foster comparison over collaboration: Kids who are taught to always “come out on top” may find it difficult to support peers, share success, or appreciate teamwork. This can harm friendships and social development.
A common sign of unhealthy competition is when a child ties their sense of value to being the best – and struggles emotionally when they’re not.
The Ugly: Competition That Turns Toxic
Toxic competition can show up in schools, sports, social settings, and even within families. It often involves:
Constant comparison: Children are compared to siblings, classmates, or teammates in ways that breed rivalry and resentment.
Pressure to perform: Kids are pushed beyond their emotional capacity with the message that anything less than a win is failure.
Exclusion: Activities become elitist, with only the “best” children selected or praised, leaving others feeling invisible or inadequate.
Shaming or punishment for losing: Children are criticised or embarrassed for mistakes or poor performance, which can have long-term impacts on self-worth and emotional wellbeing.
These environments can harm children’s mental health, diminish motivation, and lead to behaviours like cheating, lying, or quitting entirely. Children may also carry these experiences into adulthood, developing beliefs that self-worth is only earned through achievement.
Encouraging Healthy Competition
So, how do we support children to engage with competition in a balanced and psychologically safe way?
1. Focus on Effort Over Outcome
Celebrate the process: the time spent practising, the creative strategy, the problem-solving – rather than just the end result. Say things like, “I’m proud of how you kept going even when it got tricky,” to reinforce effort and persistence.
2. Model Positive Attitudes About Winning and Losing
Children watch closely how adults react. Modelling graceful losing, humble winning, and constructive feedback teaches kids that competition is about growth, not status.
3. Support Self-Reflection
Help children reflect on what they’ve learned from an experience – win or lose. Ask, “What did you enjoy most?” or “What would you try differently next time?” to promote self-awareness and resilience.
4. Promote Personal Bests
Rather than competing against others, focus on helping kids set and achieve personal goals. This keeps their motivation internal and their self-worth independent of comparison.
5. Choose Inclusive Activities
Encourage events and environments where participation is celebrated just as much as performance. Look for sports, clubs, or hobbies that value enjoyment, teamwork and development.
6. Watch for Warning Signs
If your child becomes overly distressed by loss, avoids competition, or shows signs of perfectionism or low self-esteem, it may be worth speaking with a psychologist. Early intervention can help prevent longer-term difficulties and support healthy emotional development.
Reinforcing competition isn’t inherently good or bad – it’s how we introduce and support it that matters. Children thrive in environments where they are challenged but supported, where effort is celebrated, and where mistakes are seen as opportunities to learn. When approached thoughtfully, competition can be a powerful tool for building resilience, empathy, and lifelong learning.
Authors: Brodi Killen, Stephanie Mace and Samantha Pearce
Educational and Developmental Psychologists and Counselling Psychologist – With You Allied Health Directors