Addressing Perfectionism in Kids: How to Encourage Effort Over Results
Perfectionism in children is more common than many people realise. While wanting to do well is a natural and often healthy part of growing up, perfectionism can go beyond healthy striving and start to negatively impact a child’s emotional wellbeing, learning, and confidence. Children who exhibit perfectionistic tendencies may become overly focused on mistakes, feel intense fear of failure, or avoid trying altogether if they believe they won’t succeed.
Perfectionism can manifest in different ways. Some children might redo homework multiple times until it feels “just right,” others may get upset over minor errors or feel paralysed by indecision. It’s often accompanied by anxiety, self-criticism, and even low self-worth – despite external achievements.
So how can parents, educators, and caregivers support children who struggle with perfectionism? A key strategy is to shift the focus from outcome to effort – helping children see that the process of learning and growing matters more than always getting things right.
Understanding the Roots of Perfectionism
Perfectionism in children can stem from various sources. Some children may be temperamentally more sensitive or anxious. Others may be responding to high expectations from school, home, or even social media where comparisons are rife. Even praise – when focused too heavily on results – can inadvertently reinforce a belief that only success is valued.
Children are naturally wired to seek approval, so when praise or attention is mostly directed at achievements, rather than the effort and persistence behind them, they may begin to equate self-worth with outcomes.
The Impact of Perfectionism
Unchecked perfectionism can lead to a cycle of avoidance, procrastination, or burnout. Kids may fear taking risks or trying new things because they’re afraid to fail. Over time, this can erode confidence, reduce motivation, and impact mental health. Perfectionistic children are often their harshest critics and may internalise mistakes as personal failures.
They might also struggle with friendships or team activities, finding it difficult to tolerate others’ mistakes or take feedback. Importantly, perfectionism doesn’t always show up in high-achieving children – it can affect those who appear disengaged or anxious about schoolwork as well.
Encouraging a Growth Mindset
One of the most effective ways to address perfectionism is to nurture a growth mindset – the belief that abilities and intelligence can develop through effort, strategies, and persistence. When children understand that learning involves mistakes and challenges, they’re more likely to embrace the process and feel resilient in the face of setbacks.
Here’s how to help children develop a healthy attitude towards learning and reduce perfectionistic thinking:
1. Praise Effort, Strategy, and Persistence
Instead of saying “You’re so smart,” try “You worked really hard on that” or “I noticed how you tried a different strategy when it got tricky.” This tells children that what matters is their approach and persistence, not whether they got it perfect the first time.
2. Normalise Mistakes as Part of Learning
Talk openly about your own mistakes and what you learned from them. Say things like, “Oops, I forgot the shopping list today – next time I’ll set a reminder,” to model self-compassion and problem-solving. Encourage kids to reflect on what they could try differently next time rather than focusing on the mistake itself.
3. Avoid Over-Correcting or Over-Helping
It can be tempting to step in and “fix” a child’s project or tidy up their writing. But this can signal that only perfect work is acceptable. Let them own their process, even if it’s not polished. This helps build independence and confidence.
4. Talk About the Brain as a Muscle
Kids love science, so use the analogy that their brain is like a muscle that grows stronger the more they practise. This makes it easier to accept that learning takes time and that everyone improves with effort and perseverance.
5. Use Books and Stories That Model Imperfection
Children’s literature is full of characters who face setbacks, make mistakes, and learn along the way. Stories like The Most Magnificent Thing by Ashley Spires or Beautiful Oops! by Barney Saltzberg can help spark conversations about trying, failing, and trying again.
6. Set Goals That Focus on Process
Instead of goals like “Get full marks on the spelling test,” encourage goals like “Practise my spelling words three times this week” or “Ask for help when I’m stuck.” These build agency and reduce pressure.
7. Teach Self-Compassion
Help children notice their inner critic and respond with kindness. Phrases like “I’m learning,” “It’s okay to make mistakes,” and “I can try again” are powerful tools for calming perfectionistic self-talk.
8. Use Tools Like the Catastrophe Scale
If a child is catastrophising a small mistake, using a visual “catastrophe scale” can help. Ask, “On a scale from 1 to 10, where does this really sit?” This helps kids gain perspective and reduces emotional intensity.
When to Seek Support
If perfectionism is significantly impacting a child’s mood, schoolwork, or relationships, it may be time to seek support from a psychologist. Therapy can help children learn to regulate their emotions, challenge unhelpful thinking patterns, and develop healthy coping skills. Interventions that draw on cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), mindfulness, and emotion coaching are often helpful.
Addressing perfectionism early helps children develop resilience, confidence, and a love of learning. It supports their mental health and allows them to thrive in an environment where progress is celebrated over perfection.
Authors: Brodi Killen, Stephanie Mace and Samantha Pearce
Educational and Developmental Psychologists and Counselling Psychologist – With You Allied Health Directors