Navigating Life Between Two Homes: Supporting Children Through Shared Care
Image on Unsplash by Wiser by the Mile
For children whose parents live apart, moving between two homes can become a regular part of life. Whether it's a week-about schedule, a few days in each place, or something in between, shared care arrangements are increasingly common. And while many children adapt well, it's not always a smooth road - particularly when it comes to emotional wellbeing, consistency, and communication.
The process of adjusting to life between two homes can bring up a range of feelings for children. They may feel torn, uncertain, or like they’re living two different lives. As psychologists and speech pathologists working closely with families across Brisbane, we often support children and parents navigating this unique and often challenging transition.
The Child's Experience
From the outside, shared care might look balanced or fair. But for a child, it can feel disorienting - like they’re constantly packing up parts of their life and leaving them behind. Children may struggle with:
Emotional stress: Feeling sadness, anger, or anxiety during transitions
A sense of divided loyalty: Worrying about “choosing sides” or pleasing both parents
Routine disruption: Differences in rules, expectations, or bedtimes between homes
Communication difficulties: Having to repeat messages between households
Missing important items or events: From homework to favourite toys to birthday parties
Younger children might express these challenges through behaviour - clinginess, tantrums, or regression (like bedwetting). Older children and teens might become withdrawn, irritable, or reluctant to go to one parent's home.
What Children Need Most
While every child and family is unique, research consistently shows that children do best when:
They feel emotionally safe and supported in both homes
Their routines and expectations are consistent
There is minimal conflict between parents
They are not placed in the middle of adult issues
Children thrive on predictability, connection, and feeling like their voice matters. Even if they don’t get to make the decisions, being heard helps them feel respected and secure. If you and their other parent don’t get along, it is vital that the needs of the children come first above all else, and this annimosity must never be the fuel behind a parenting decision.
Practical Strategies for Parents
Here are some ways parents can support children who live between two homes:
1. Keep Transitions Predictable
Use a visual calendar, colour-coded schedule, or consistent routine to help your child know what to expect. Knowing when they’ll see each parent again provides emotional security.
2. Create a “Transition Object”
Some children find comfort in taking a special item—like a soft toy, journal, or small photo album—with them between homes. It acts as a bridge between their two worlds.
3. Maintain Consistency Where You Can
Where possible, align rules around bedtime, screen time, and homework. Children feel less anxious when they know what's expected of them, regardless of location.
4. Support Emotional Expression
Encourage your child to talk about their feelings, even if they’re hard to hear. Phrases like “It’s okay to miss Mum/Dad when you’re with Mum/Dad”, give permission to hold complex emotions.
5. Avoid Putting Children in the Middle
Don’t use your child to carry messages or ask them questions about the other parent’s personal life. It places unfair pressure on them and can damage their sense of safety.
6. Keep Essentials in Both Homes
Having pyjamas, toiletries, school supplies, and favourite toys in both homes can help children feel settled and reduce anxiety about forgetting something important.
When Communication Between Parents is Hard
Let’s be real - separated co-parenting isn’t always amicable. There may be conflict, miscommunication, or unresolved hurt. But even in high-conflict situations, tools like communication apps, neutral third parties, or a parenting coordinator can help reduce child involvement in adult tension.
Children don’t need parents to be best friends - they need them to be civil, consistent, and cooperative when it comes to decisions about them. Remember, you’re modelling for your children how to work through disagreements also.
Helping Your Child Feel Seen
Regardless of the logistics of your parenting plan, children benefit most from feeling like their emotional world is acknowledged. Try:
Checking in regularly with open-ended questions (“What’s been the best part of your week?”)
Noticing when they’re struggling and offering extra connection
Celebrating their efforts in adapting to change
If your child shows signs of ongoing distress - frequent meltdowns, school refusal, low mood, or trouble with speech and language - it may be time to reach out for professional support. A child psychologist or speech pathologist can work with you and your child to build emotional regulation skills, improve communication, and strengthen resilience.
When Schools and Professionals Are Involved
It’s helpful to let your child’s school and allied health professionals know about their living arrangements. Children living between two homes may benefit from:
Support managing transitions at school (e.g., when changeover days happen during the school week)
Having both parents included in communication loops
A shared understanding of their emotional needs
The more consistent and supported a child feels across environments—home, school, and therapy—the more settled and secure they become.
Supporting Yourself Matters Too
Parenting through separation is incredibly demanding. Be kind to yourself. You’re juggling schedules, emotions, finances, and possibly conflict - all while trying to stay present for your child.
Getting support (through counselling, peer groups, or co-parenting coaching) can give you the tools and perspective needed to show up as the calm, safe base your child needs.
Authors: Brodi Killen, Stephanie Mace and Samantha Pearce
Educational and Developmental Psychologists and Counselling Psychologist - With You Allied Health Directors.